Last week, in all honesty I’ve concluded, I was in mourning. Mourning is a pretty strong word, so if it's too strong - deep regret would probably suffice. I was basically really really sad that with the change in my schedule, things hadn’t gotten easier. Of course not…I had tried to tell myself that it would be better, and that it would be really nice to be involved in Blake’s school life – and that part is great, I guess – but really, last week I was just sad. Sad that I no longer have a day off in the middle of the week to just switch off from the corporate world. Sad that I have to – have chosen to – part company with Noah 5 days a week, something I never did with Blake until it was forced upon me through the school schedule. Sad that I somehow let myself bet on my desire to be equally “present” in both aspects of my life – the home and the work outside the home – and, last week, the feeling I had was that I’d lost the bet.
This week, I woke up with a renewed vow to try to be more positive. I am lucky. I have choices. I have a great deal of autonomy in my role, and my employer hopefully knows that I’m valuable and that I make positive contributions. My boys don’t seem to hate me, yet, so that’s a good sign. Noah has been more positive when he goes into nursery and Blake is having a grand time at school, making new friends, learning all sorts of cool ways to remember how to write letters, and becoming generally a little bit more grown-up each day. For the first time in about a month, it wasn’t raining on Monday morning when I had to play the shepherd mother and herd Blake and his friends to school. There is a lot to be happy about. I’m going to try to make the most of the little snippets of time that I have at home – whether it’s 5 minutes at the beginning of the day, the hour I have at lunch that I can enjoy not in the concrete landscape of the City of London, or the half an hour at the end of the day where I could probably get a thing or two done around the house before I go get Blake. If last week was mourning, then this week is adjustment and acceptance. Of course, life isn’t over. Please, don’t get me wrong there. But that phase I had in life where I had the luxury of a mid-week day off – the time I’ve had to spend with my “babies” – is. Like so many stages of life with children, each milestone often comes equally with celebration and a touch of remorse. And so it was that for me last week, remorse was the overriding feeling.
As I said, the tone of this week has been so much better. It’s amazing what a slight shake to your internal barometer can actually do – I kind of just had to tell myself on Sunday that I would be much better to just accept things as they are as opposed to wallow in misery – especially when it relates to something that the majority of the world just does without question (i.e. full-time work!).
And so, maybe I’ll try to grab a 15-minute slot when I have it to try to write more. I miss writing – I definitely find it important to my record-keeping and to my being able to capture what I’m feeling and what we’ve been doing. But for now, I’m off to bed….it all starts again tomorrow!